Me.

It's been awhile since I've written in here.

I normally post more journals in my Myspace, but I decided to post here tonight too.

Here I am gente, in El Paso TX visiting my Mother....it's my last night here. I just got into an argument with my Aunt because I was drining and I'm 19. I didn't drink to get drunk and I sure as hell didn't get drunk today either. Yet she makes it a point to sit here and tell me that she's dissapointed in me and blah blah blah. To sum it up, I don't care. If I seriously avoided your ass while I was drinking, didn't put you in danger, make you feel uncomfortable, or make an ass of myself then why, why sit here and make it a point to try and tell me off?

Argh, my Aunt put quite the damper on my trip and it sucks.

But I did get to see my Mom and that made me Happy =D

Fuck everything else, now when I get back to California I'm going to devise a plan to get my Mother out to us every 3 months. I hope it works, I miss her so damn bad D=

But my fucking Computer sure is! I got a virus on my Laptop and now I'm Internetless. So yeah to everyone who has sent me messages please understand that I'm not ignoring you, I just don't have the means to get Internet acsess(sp?) and reply back :( But I just wanted to let EVERYONE know that I probably won't be on for...awhile :(

Keep me posted! It sucks that the tour is still going on yet I have no idea what has been happening :(

So yeah...wish me luck on getting my hunk of junk fixed :)

tty guys when I can :(

Xochitl a.k.a. Ladywink

Allllright. My experiance at Bamboozle has been posted on the "Diary" thread. Take a look if you like. I think all MCR fans should read it ;D

I'm calling up my source and he will NOT be welcome here anymore.

Fuck Him.

At this point I really don't care where he goes I just want him gone.

I was tired yesterday, so I took a nap. And what did I wake up to? Laughing and phlemy coughing and repeated questions like "Well do you want to got to the store? You know you need to get medicine so get up!!!" The questions kept getting answered with a "No!!!" My brother had a fever and his boyfriend was here at my pad trying to convince my brother to go to his house and to go to the store for some medicine. You see my bro got into a situation and can no longer live with his boyfriend in the house he stays in....so where is he staying now? Here. In my space. It's all I've got and I've been trying my hardest to be understanding but this is ridiculos. Like I said, I was TIRED. I lay there trying to keep my cool, yet the LOUD laughter continues and seems to be escelating. I could'nt help it. "Josh can you keep it down I'm trying to sleep and I didn't fucking bother you when you' ve been sleeping for the past TWO days!" With that, the laughter stopped and my Bro's BF and his friend left muttering apologies as they left my room. My brother walked them to their car and when he came into MY ROOM he went about kicking things in anger in fustration.

Now WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! Are you serious? YOUR gonna kick MY SHIT around MY ROOM because I asked for you and your friends to lower your voices? Hold Up! No way!!! Honestly when ppl come into my space like that and begin to have no regards for the fact that I NEED MY SPACE FROM THE WORLD then maybe it's best he leaves. I don't care that he's sick, I don't care that he's "hurting" cause he's away from his BF, I do not care for the fact that he COMPLETLY spoiled and used to things going HIS way. No motherfucker, I'm not gonna be playing all that shit. And I told him that the very first day that he stayed here. I don't want him here anymore. He may be able to throw fits and get away with it with everybody else, but I'm not allowing that. He's 26 and acting like a 12 year old that cannot take care of himself, and that, to be blunt, pisses me off. I mean, I'm 18 and I take the fucking disgusting raunchy bus EVERY morning to work. He has his BF wake up at the crack of dawn and drive 20 min to pick him uo and drive another 20 min to drive him to work. I BUST my ass to get what I want and need, while he gets anything he wants from his BF. He needs to grow up. He sleeps all day and bitches non stop, he's not happy, yet he does nothing to change his situation. My Mom was like that for years and I HATED being around her. She moved out and left me here 11 months ago and now it seems that she came back in the form of my Brother. I don't want this. I want to be able to come home and relax. Not come home angry because I have to deal with THAT shit.

Naive by The Kooks

Yeah, my sorry ass JUST discovered this rad song

;D

Perhaps you should check it out?

...........

Just a thought.

Oh my! It's been too long ;D

So, I'm a tad stressed out at the moment and I'll even admit I'm a bit overwhelmed but all of a sudden a really SHARP sense of excitement just ran through my veins!!!! Woooooooo weeeeee!!!! REAL INDEPENDENCE is just (hopefully) a few days away!!! Aannnnnd I get to indulge very soon! That's what I'm truly excited for! I cannot wait to do this again!!!!!

 Oh, my Aunt (yeah the one that was fucked up to me a couple of years ago) got accepted to USC! I'm happy for her, after all she's worked close to 16+ YEARS to finish her education! Congrats to her ;D

So I made an attempt to shop today and fully realized that it was a big mistake and I quickly remembered why I stopped trying to go shopping. The fact of the matter is their is no suitable clothing out there for us thick girls. I'll probably be forced to wear a burlapse sack and tennis shoes for the rest of my Life. A burlapse sack seems more appealing than half the crap they have out there. Perhaps store's should put out a sign stating "No Fat People Allowed" Their sizes/fits are limeted and the designs are horrid. As I roll my eyes and let out a sigh as I leave the store I hold a heavy heart of dissapointment. Sometimes I think they purposly make the clothing selection so difficult. It's like they are saying "Look your gross looking either way so wearing this colored splattered top won't really make a diffrence Hun"

Sadness. But whatever. A part of me accepts this fate. After all I'm the fucker that got me here at this point. It's no one's fault but my own. Maybe  I DESERVE to wear this. And another part of me. The hurt one, the one that can never get used to being made fun of, or the one that cannot imagine herself like this forever, thinks: No, this isn't fair. I'm still Human, I still feel. Should I really look like a walking creature because I'm a thick girl? Is that really justified? Is this all there is for us?

Needless to say I never walk out with a final answer.

I guess it's what I've become. Unfortunetly I can't even write a decent Journal on the subject. I'm afraid that is all I can post, because around my house, EVERYONE seems to KNOW EVERYTHING. And needless to say, I'm not okay with that.

;D

Cocaine. Meth. Heroine.

Intense drugs that ultimetly DESTROY people. I had a lengthy conversation with someone who's done that and been there and I had no idea how unbelievable it truly was. It all started with a simple question. You see we had been watching Katt Williams "The Pimp Chronicles" (I LOVE ittt!!!!!) and he was joking how in Hollywood people who do drugs normally do drugs right in front of you instead of hiding there habit. I found it funny and turned over to D and asked him "Hey, if you were rich and lived in an area where you knew everyone did it and you would not get caught and you had enough money to support your habit to the death, would you do it?" He turned to me and the mood quickly changed from funny to absolute seriousness. "No" he answered quickly and looked away. "Why?" I asked. The reason I asked was because I was curious. He went off to discuss with me on describing the feeling of Cocaine. He said everything feels clearer, and you feel absolutly numb. You feel aggressive and it changes you. His exact words were "It Fucks you up." as he pointed to his head. "It changes your mentality." I had never went into depth with him before, but I wanted to know more. I was curious about his life, but never had the guts to ask. I continued to ask questions and at one point he stopped the conversation and warned me. "Xochitl, if I EVER catch you doing that shit I'm gonna have to slap you man!" I looked at him and told him "Are you kidding me? I'm terrified of the damn thing and I promise you that will never happen to me." I shook his hand with a promise. I remembered when he was into Cocaine and Meth and my eyes began to fill with tears. I muttered " I remember what it did to you and J." The era of drugs in my household was an Insane time. J and D were not acting like themselves. They were cold, and mean. They had no regards for anyone or anything. I can still remember when D and I would stay up for a night cleaning the entire house. Now I did it for the sake of cleaning, D did it to keep himself busy. Little did I know at the time that the night we stayed up was D's 3rd night up in a row. All of his friends were into it, and I can remember when I would see all those kids hanging around in the house. I saw them change too. I remember a mutual friend of our swho's name was Matt. I had the biggest crush on this guy! Unfortunetly he was and is very much into Cocaine and Meth. At one point Coke was eating away all of his cartilidge in his Nose so he began to shoot up Cocaine. He became stick thin and he lived for the Drug. Unfortunetly he still struggles to keep clean. He claims to have stopped, but that is VERY questionable. He also told me how Meth and Coke felt almost the same but Meth was way more Intense. He said that the side effects were alot higher and breaking the habit was killer. It was his drug of choice. He had nearly died from the fucking thing. He told me of a time when he was hanging with friends who had been snorting Meth and he began to spit out globs of blood. It had been Crystalizing his lungs. My Cousin J also was into Meth and almost overdosed in his bathroom at one point. My Cousin J's heart could have exploded in his chest that night. Oddly enough the entire time D, J, and Cousin J were into the drugs I had no idea. Honestly I was ignorant with the information on drugs. I had no idea and now when I look back, all those times make sense. I later learned that D had been a Drug Dealer and J had been in a abusive relationship for months and all those times that they were missing they were out snorting Meth. My Cousin J  got caught, at the time he was 14, his Mother sent him straight to Rehab, and he has been clean for 3 years. D went off to make the choice to stop. He told all his friends to fuck off, and stopped selling. He stopped on his own, feeling the side effects alone in his room. I commend him for being able to stop. he truly is an AMAZING, STRONG person. He made that choice and I know that stopping that drug was VER HARD for him, but I'm glad he did. He has been clean for 2 and half years. On J we had to do somewhat of an Intervention. We had to keep him away from his ex. He fought us sooo many times, but we never gave up. He evetually did quit (although he denies EVER doing drugs) and I believe he's been clean for 2 years.

 I never knew what the big deal was about these drugs. Until yesterday night I thought that Cocaine and Meth only offered a BIGGER HIGH and a STRONGER ADDICTION and nothing more. I now know that it is much more. I commend all those who have made it through such a stuggle. My heart goes out to those who continue to make the choice to abuse such life deteriating drugs. My first thought after I our discussion was oddly enough Britney Spears. The girl is obviously on something. D suspects it is Meth or Coke. I also thought of Gerard Way. How hard it must have been for his band mates to see him in such a state. I hope Britney gets help, for the sake of her kids. And as For Gerard Way, I hope he does not ever relapse. That drug would eventually kill him.

Thank You for reading this.

This Year is almost gone. For the Majority of the year I was riding on a high, and was determined not to become like those people that were distasteful. It's funny really, how faith works.  My year started with a bang. On the the last week of 2006 I went to Church with my Sister. I rarely went to Church with her , but something told me to drag my ass there. As I sat throught the 2 hour sermon, my bottom had begun to numb and I was ready to GO. The Pastor was closing up his message by asking people what they were Hopeful for in 2007. When he asked the entire audience that question, I immediatly thought 4 things.

1.) I'm Hopeful I will go to a My Chemical Romance Concert in 2007.

2.) I'm Hopeful that I WILL get a Job in 2007.

3.) I'm Hopeful that I will find a way to get through school quicker .

4.) I'm Hopeful that I WILL lose weight (lol, so cliche eh?)

The Pastor then began asking Individual people in the audiance. No One could come up with an answer. Not one person.

The Pastor looked to the ground with disappointment. He looked back up and looked right at me and said, "If you can't come up with at least 3 answers, then you are not Hopeful, your Faith is your Hope!" I tore my eyes away from him and continued to listen to the message.

Now within the first two weeks of 2007 I got everything that I was Hopeful for. I'm not joking.

I had heard in Nov '06 that My Chemical Romance were going to Tour in my area in March of '07 and I did just about anything I could think of to try and get those tix.  Sadly by Jan 1st I still had no tix's and as I watched them on MTV and Jimmy Kimmel that night I fuckin cried. I mean that's how bad I wanted to go! But I still had Hope. On Jan 8th 2007 after another failed attempt to try and win tix to see MCR in Anaheim, I sat on the couch disappointed. My Mom (who I wasn't even getting along with!) took one look at me and asked if I had failed again. I answered yes, I had failed....again. "Why do you like them so much Mija?" my Mom asked. "Because Mom, the music they make is soo fucking cool, and I can't even begin to describe the feeling of what it would be like to see them live!" I answered. "You are." she told me. "What are you talking about Mom?" I asked in complete confusion. "I'll buy you the tix, you gonna see them Xochi." my Mom told me. My heart dropped. My eye's began to water, and needless to say I jumped on my Mom and gave her the biggest, tightest hug I could offer. It was a trip, because I had been trying so hard to get those tix ever since I had heard that they were coming. It was a huge Accomplishment, and it was something I was Hoping for! I had a blast on March 11th when I saw the Black Parade live! I got my ass handed to me in the pit and made a few friends. I then went off to see MCR in Seattle in May of '07 and again in San Bernadino in July of '07 at Projekt Revolution.

Crazy as it sounds the very next day I started a Job! My Sister had been working at a Dental Office who needed a Receptionist. So after a discussion with the Dr.'s and the Office Manager they offered me the Job. I started on Jan 9th and I continue to work there now. Now this helped me out alot! I was a Real Hermit Crab and VERY anti-social. But being a Receptionist means you are in contact with the Patients and their Families ALL THE TIME. So I improved my social skills, got over my Phobia of answering phones (SERIOUSLY!) and learned REAL responsobility. I now support myself without the help of my Mom.

I have been doing Independent Study for 2yrs now and it's basically the same work you do in regular school just no teachers and you work at YOUR own pace. I was pretty fustrated at the time because I was feeling alot of pressure to get everything done more quicker. I wasn't doing to good with JUST Independent Study. So my Teacher enrolled me in a Program that allowed me to take 2 classes at my local Community College that would count as High School credits AND College credits. I enrolled in the Spring and completed Spanish 1 and Chemistry1. Passing both with a B. I will be shooting for my GED in Jan 2008 after thinking over where I wanted to be in the Future. If that doesn't work then I will continue to do independent study. I'm holding on to my Education with a tight Grip and I refuse to let go of my Grip.

On Jan 10th my Sister and I joined Bally Total Fitness and began waking up at 4:00am and working out for two hours EVERYDAY. In the first Month I lost 12lbs. I've managed to lower my Cholestrol and Blood Pressure with regular excerise and also let go of ALOT of frustration at the GYM. It reduses my stress and helps me sleep at night too.

My Year had HIGH's and Low's. I learned ALOT this year, and I lost alot too. The one true Damper on the year was the passing of my Grandma Carmen Banegas Andrade. That women was the Mero Mero (Boss) in our Family. Everyone followed what she said and went to her for advice. My Family was completly blindsighted and it was unexpected. The Death of my Grandma was intense and I'm still feeling her loss, for it was a grand loss. But what makes me look into the Clouds and smile, is the Fact that I made my Grandma proud. She told me that she had never known that i was the person that I am. She flat out told me that she thought I was a spoiled, bratty, ignorant child and that she did not like me when I was young cause I was "Babied." In the past when I was younger my Grandma and I did not like eachother. I rarely went around her let alone speak to her. I was scared of her and did not like how Bossy that woman was! Nontheless in July of 2003 my Grandma and I finally had a reallllly loooong conversation and discovered that we were actually alot alike and we appreciated eachother's views. We continued to keep in touch and discover things about eachother that we never would have believed we went through. I had respect for her and she respected me. The last time I had spoken with her was on my Birthday on my way to The Queen Mary. She told me that she hadn't called because she was feeling ill and depressed. After wishing me a Happy Birthday and ending our chit chat, the last words I sadi to her was "I love You Nana, and I hope You feel better"

So my Year was nuts. I was on my last brink in the beginning of the year and if you have had a shitty year just try to stay Optimistic. After all, your situation is NOT forever. Only you have the power to change it. If you get an Oppertunity-Take it. If you want things, go for them, give it your all and REMEMBER to be grateful for whatever blessings you get. Stay grounded, enjoy life, and keep your head up, THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

2007 you gave me kicks in the ass, countless tears, millions of smiles, and God himself only knows how many times I bursted out in uncontrollable laughter, so I say Farewell

Wishing everyone the Absolute Best in 2008,

-Xochitl-