Me.

I guess it's what I've become. Unfortunetly I can't even write a decent Journal on the subject. I'm afraid that is all I can post, because around my house, EVERYONE seems to KNOW EVERYTHING. And needless to say, I'm not okay with that.

;D

Cocaine. Meth. Heroine.

Intense drugs that ultimetly DESTROY people. I had a lengthy conversation with someone who's done that and been there and I had no idea how unbelievable it truly was. It all started with a simple question. You see we had been watching Katt Williams "The Pimp Chronicles" (I LOVE ittt!!!!!) and he was joking how in Hollywood people who do drugs normally do drugs right in front of you instead of hiding there habit. I found it funny and turned over to D and asked him "Hey, if you were rich and lived in an area where you knew everyone did it and you would not get caught and you had enough money to support your habit to the death, would you do it?" He turned to me and the mood quickly changed from funny to absolute seriousness. "No" he answered quickly and looked away. "Why?" I asked. The reason I asked was because I was curious. He went off to discuss with me on describing the feeling of Cocaine. He said everything feels clearer, and you feel absolutly numb. You feel aggressive and it changes you. His exact words were "It Fucks you up." as he pointed to his head. "It changes your mentality." I had never went into depth with him before, but I wanted to know more. I was curious about his life, but never had the guts to ask. I continued to ask questions and at one point he stopped the conversation and warned me. "Xochitl, if I EVER catch you doing that shit I'm gonna have to slap you man!" I looked at him and told him "Are you kidding me? I'm terrified of the damn thing and I promise you that will never happen to me." I shook his hand with a promise. I remembered when he was into Cocaine and Meth and my eyes began to fill with tears. I muttered " I remember what it did to you and J." The era of drugs in my household was an Insane time. J and D were not acting like themselves. They were cold, and mean. They had no regards for anyone or anything. I can still remember when D and I would stay up for a night cleaning the entire house. Now I did it for the sake of cleaning, D did it to keep himself busy. Little did I know at the time that the night we stayed up was D's 3rd night up in a row. All of his friends were into it, and I can remember when I would see all those kids hanging around in the house. I saw them change too. I remember a mutual friend of our swho's name was Matt. I had the biggest crush on this guy! Unfortunetly he was and is very much into Cocaine and Meth. At one point Coke was eating away all of his cartilidge in his Nose so he began to shoot up Cocaine. He became stick thin and he lived for the Drug. Unfortunetly he still struggles to keep clean. He claims to have stopped, but that is VERY questionable. He also told me how Meth and Coke felt almost the same but Meth was way more Intense. He said that the side effects were alot higher and breaking the habit was killer. It was his drug of choice. He had nearly died from the fucking thing. He told me of a time when he was hanging with friends who had been snorting Meth and he began to spit out globs of blood. It had been Crystalizing his lungs. My Cousin J also was into Meth and almost overdosed in his bathroom at one point. My Cousin J's heart could have exploded in his chest that night. Oddly enough the entire time D, J, and Cousin J were into the drugs I had no idea. Honestly I was ignorant with the information on drugs. I had no idea and now when I look back, all those times make sense. I later learned that D had been a Drug Dealer and J had been in a abusive relationship for months and all those times that they were missing they were out snorting Meth. My Cousin J  got caught, at the time he was 14, his Mother sent him straight to Rehab, and he has been clean for 3 years. D went off to make the choice to stop. He told all his friends to fuck off, and stopped selling. He stopped on his own, feeling the side effects alone in his room. I commend him for being able to stop. he truly is an AMAZING, STRONG person. He made that choice and I know that stopping that drug was VER HARD for him, but I'm glad he did. He has been clean for 2 and half years. On J we had to do somewhat of an Intervention. We had to keep him away from his ex. He fought us sooo many times, but we never gave up. He evetually did quit (although he denies EVER doing drugs) and I believe he's been clean for 2 years.

 I never knew what the big deal was about these drugs. Until yesterday night I thought that Cocaine and Meth only offered a BIGGER HIGH and a STRONGER ADDICTION and nothing more. I now know that it is much more. I commend all those who have made it through such a stuggle. My heart goes out to those who continue to make the choice to abuse such life deteriating drugs. My first thought after I our discussion was oddly enough Britney Spears. The girl is obviously on something. D suspects it is Meth or Coke. I also thought of Gerard Way. How hard it must have been for his band mates to see him in such a state. I hope Britney gets help, for the sake of her kids. And as For Gerard Way, I hope he does not ever relapse. That drug would eventually kill him.

Thank You for reading this.