I normally post more journals in my Myspace, but I decided to post here tonight too.

Here I am gente, in El Paso TX visiting my Mother....it's my last night here. I just got into an argument with my Aunt because I was drining and I'm 19. I didn't drink to get drunk and I sure as hell didn't get drunk today either. Yet she makes it a point to sit here and tell me that she's dissapointed in me and blah blah blah. To sum it up, I don't care. If I seriously avoided your ass while I was drinking, didn't put you in danger, make you feel uncomfortable, or make an ass of myself then why, why sit here and make it a point to try and tell me off?

Argh, my Aunt put quite the damper on my trip and it sucks.

But I did get to see my Mom and that made me Happy =D

Fuck everything else, now when I get back to California I'm going to devise a plan to get my Mother out to us every 3 months. I hope it works, I miss her so damn bad D=

Keep me posted! It sucks that the tour is still going on yet I have no idea what has been happening :(

So yeah...wish me luck on getting my hunk of junk fixed :)

tty guys when I can :(

Xochitl a.k.a. Ladywink

I'm calling up my source and he will NOT be welcome here anymore.

Fuck Him.

At this point I really don't care where he goes I just want him gone.

I was tired yesterday, so I took a nap. And what did I wake up to? Laughing and phlemy coughing and repeated questions like "Well do you want to got to the store? You know you need to get medicine so get up!!!" The questions kept getting answered with a "No!!!" My brother had a fever and his boyfriend was here at my pad trying to convince my brother to go to his house and to go to the store for some medicine. You see my bro got into a situation and can no longer live with his boyfriend in the house he stays in....so where is he staying now? Here. In my space. It's all I've got and I've been trying my hardest to be understanding but this is ridiculos. Like I said, I was TIRED. I lay there trying to keep my cool, yet the LOUD laughter continues and seems to be escelating. I could'nt help it. "Josh can you keep it down I'm trying to sleep and I didn't fucking bother you when you' ve been sleeping for the past TWO days!" With that, the laughter stopped and my Bro's BF and his friend left muttering apologies as they left my room. My brother walked them to their car and when he came into MY ROOM he went about kicking things in anger in fustration.

Now WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! Are you serious? YOUR gonna kick MY SHIT around MY ROOM because I asked for you and your friends to lower your voices? Hold Up! No way!!! Honestly when ppl come into my space like that and begin to have no regards for the fact that I NEED MY SPACE FROM THE WORLD then maybe it's best he leaves. I don't care that he's sick, I don't care that he's "hurting" cause he's away from his BF, I do not care for the fact that he COMPLETLY spoiled and used to things going HIS way. No motherfucker, I'm not gonna be playing all that shit. And I told him that the very first day that he stayed here. I don't want him here anymore. He may be able to throw fits and get away with it with everybody else, but I'm not allowing that. He's 26 and acting like a 12 year old that cannot take care of himself, and that, to be blunt, pisses me off. I mean, I'm 18 and I take the fucking disgusting raunchy bus EVERY morning to work. He has his BF wake up at the crack of dawn and drive 20 min to pick him uo and drive another 20 min to drive him to work. I BUST my ass to get what I want and need, while he gets anything he wants from his BF. He needs to grow up. He sleeps all day and bitches non stop, he's not happy, yet he does nothing to change his situation. My Mom was like that for years and I HATED being around her. She moved out and left me here 11 months ago and now it seems that she came back in the form of my Brother. I don't want this. I want to be able to come home and relax. Not come home angry because I have to deal with THAT shit.

Yeah, my sorry ass JUST discovered this rad song

;D

Perhaps you should check it out?

...........

Just a thought.

So, I'm a tad stressed out at the moment and I'll even admit I'm a bit overwhelmed but all of a sudden a really SHARP sense of excitement just ran through my veins!!!! Woooooooo weeeeee!!!! REAL INDEPENDENCE is just (hopefully) a few days away!!! Aannnnnd I get to indulge very soon! That's what I'm truly excited for! I cannot wait to do this again!!!!!

 Oh, my Aunt (yeah the one that was fucked up to me a couple of years ago) got accepted to USC! I'm happy for her, after all she's worked close to 16+ YEARS to finish her education! Congrats to her ;D

Sadness. But whatever. A part of me accepts this fate. After all I'm the fucker that got me here at this point. It's no one's fault but my own. Maybe  I DESERVE to wear this. And another part of me. The hurt one, the one that can never get used to being made fun of, or the one that cannot imagine herself like this forever, thinks: No, this isn't fair. I'm still Human, I still feel. Should I really look like a walking creature because I'm a thick girl? Is that really justified? Is this all there is for us?

Needless to say I never walk out with a final answer.

;D

Intense drugs that ultimetly DESTROY people. I had a lengthy conversation with someone who's done that and been there and I had no idea how unbelievable it truly was. It all started with a simple question. You see we had been watching Katt Williams "The Pimp Chronicles" (I LOVE ittt!!!!!) and he was joking how in Hollywood people who do drugs normally do drugs right in front of you instead of hiding there habit. I found it funny and turned over to D and asked him "Hey, if you were rich and lived in an area where you knew everyone did it and you would not get caught and you had enough money to support your habit to the death, would you do it?" He turned to me and the mood quickly changed from funny to absolute seriousness. "No" he answered quickly and looked away. "Why?" I asked. The reason I asked was because I was curious. He went off to discuss with me on describing the feeling of Cocaine. He said everything feels clearer, and you feel absolutly numb. You feel aggressive and it changes you. His exact words were "It Fucks you up." as he pointed to his head. "It changes your mentality." I had never went into depth with him before, but I wanted to know more. I was curious about his life, but never had the guts to ask. I continued to ask questions and at one point he stopped the conversation and warned me. "Xochitl, if I EVER catch you doing that shit I'm gonna have to slap you man!" I looked at him and told him "Are you kidding me? I'm terrified of the damn thing and I promise you that will never happen to me." I shook his hand with a promise. I remembered when he was into Cocaine and Meth and my eyes began to fill with tears. I muttered " I remember what it did to you and J." The era of drugs in my household was an Insane time. J and D were not acting like themselves. They were cold, and mean. They had no regards for anyone or anything. I can still remember when D and I would stay up for a night cleaning the entire house. Now I did it for the sake of cleaning, D did it to keep himself busy. Little did I know at the time that the night we stayed up was D's 3rd night up in a row. All of his friends were into it, and I can remember when I would see all those kids hanging around in the house. I saw them change too. I remember a mutual friend of our swho's name was Matt. I had the biggest crush on this guy! Unfortunetly he was and is very much into Cocaine and Meth. At one point Coke was eating away all of his cartilidge in his Nose so he began to shoot up Cocaine. He became stick thin and he lived for the Drug. Unfortunetly he still struggles to keep clean. He claims to have stopped, but that is VERY questionable. He also told me how Meth and Coke felt almost the same but Meth was way more Intense. He said that the side effects were alot higher and breaking the habit was killer. It was his drug of choice. He had nearly died from the fucking thing. He told me of a time when he was hanging with friends who had been snorting Meth and he began to spit out globs of blood. It had been Crystalizing his lungs. My Cousin J also was into Meth and almost overdosed in his bathroom at one point. My Cousin J's heart could have exploded in his chest that night. Oddly enough the entire time D, J, and Cousin J were into the drugs I had no idea. Honestly I was ignorant with the information on drugs. I had no idea and now when I look back, all those times make sense. I later learned that D had been a Drug Dealer and J had been in a abusive relationship for months and all those times that they were missing they were out snorting Meth. My Cousin J  got caught, at the time he was 14, his Mother sent him straight to Rehab, and he has been clean for 3 years. D went off to make the choice to stop. He told all his friends to fuck off, and stopped selling. He stopped on his own, feeling the side effects alone in his room. I commend him for being able to stop. he truly is an AMAZING, STRONG person. He made that choice and I know that stopping that drug was VER HARD for him, but I'm glad he did. He has been clean for 2 and half years. On J we had to do somewhat of an Intervention. We had to keep him away from his ex. He fought us sooo many times, but we never gave up. He evetually did quit (although he denies EVER doing drugs) and I believe he's been clean for 2 years.

 I never knew what the big deal was about these drugs. Until yesterday night I thought that Cocaine and Meth only offered a BIGGER HIGH and a STRONGER ADDICTION and nothing more. I now know that it is much more. I commend all those who have made it through such a stuggle. My heart goes out to those who continue to make the choice to abuse such life deteriating drugs. My first thought after I our discussion was oddly enough Britney Spears. The girl is obviously on something. D suspects it is Meth or Coke. I also thought of Gerard Way. How hard it must have been for his band mates to see him in such a state. I hope Britney gets help, for the sake of her kids. And as For Gerard Way, I hope he does not ever relapse. That drug would eventually kill him.

Thank You for reading this.